“I don’t want to keep living this way.” I prayed honestly.
“Have I failed you?” The Holy Spirit asked me.
I was praying about an amazing job my husband had applied for. It seemed like the perfect fit for him. And, to be honest, we are beyond ready for the lifestyle a traditional job brings. So I begged God to open the door for him to have this job. And I talked about the tiredness of my heart that has come in these years of gig-based self-employment. … Oh, it was such a great job! Perfect for my husband’s career journey. AND it would change everything for us. Regular income. Medical benefits. Paid vacation. Please God.
“In all these years, have I ever failed you?” His Light pointed at the depths of my heart.
He showed me that in the depths of my heart, it was still there. Fear.
Fear that the life God has for me is not good. Fear that God is not good.
He spoke to me more and I laid my heart in His hands. Well, mostly. My heart also was dreaming about the life we would have with that new job.
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Yesterday my incredible man heard that he didn’t get the job.
Yesterday we also heard that our rent is increasing $200/month.
Yesterday I cried and panicked and felt crazy.
Disappointment is one thing. It’s not bad to feel disappointed. It’s not bad to dream and hope. But I had gone beyond dreaming and hoping. I had put my hope in that job. I believed that job was going to save us. Rescue us. Give us a better life.
I was mad. And sad. And hopelessness filled my heart. My husband needs work. Where is God in all of this?
“Have I failed you?”
There I was, sitting in hopelessness because I’d put my hope in the temporal instead of the Eternal. The Holy Spirit had reminded me about His faithfulness the day before we heard the bad news. He had tried to prepare me for this. He had been helping me to have my hope in the right place.
A few weeks ago I shared with our church family from Luke 4 about the game-changing power of the Holy Spirit. I shared about how the Holy Spirit had spoken powerful transformation for my sweet little family. I shared about trusting Him and walking in a new season.
When I prepared for that sermon, He had walked me through the lesson. I already knew the power of what I was preaching. I had already experienced my need for His game-changing ministry in my life. I was preaching from a place of humble dependency and deep understanding.
Now I look back and realize I barely knew the half of it! This is not vanity at all… this is an act of deep need: I’m listening to that sermon today. I’m listening to myself preach about something I need to know today. Even though I knew it then… I need to know it more now.
Today I am on my face. On my knees. Remembering His faithfulness. He has never failed me. He has never not held me. He has never not surrounded me. Even in the valley of the shadow of death. Even in days of disappointment. Even in days of fear. Because Yahweh is God. And His goodness is more fulfilling than stability. More trustworthy than regular income. More wonderful than the life I keep trying to grasp at.
Immediately the boy’s father cried out and said, “I do believe; help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24 NAS)
Oh, what a wonderful God we have! How great are his riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his methods! For who can know what the Lord is thinking? Who knows enough to be his counselor? And who could ever give him so much that he would have to pay it back? For everything comes from him; everything exists by his power and is intended for his glory. To him be glory evermore. Amen. (Romans 11:33-36 NLT)
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I am part of our church’s preaching team. Here’s why.
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