So, after all these years, you’re still doing the church thing?
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I live with a man. We share a bathroom sink, two kids, and a whole bunch of household chores. I am here every day. With him. And the life we share.
I love to look into his eyes. I love how his hand wraps around mine. I love sharing life with him. Even all the tired, boring, mundane parts. We lean together to dream. We lean together to make ends meet. We lean together and face the odds. And it is bliss.
He is good. He is kind and generous. He gives and loves and invests. He is handsome and strong. He is brilliant. He is a natural engineer in every setting. He finds answers when no when else has. He fixes what no one else can. He brings peace and stability and strength where ever he goes. He is fun and funny. He amazes me every day.
Life with him… in our rental apartment… with the heat at a bare minimum… and big dreams in our hearts… is glorious.
My biggest desire in life is to be a better wife to him. Every day I want to be a better wife than I was the day before. I want to cook his favorite meals. I want to buy him whatever he wishes for. I want his dreams to come true. I would give every second of every day to serve him. Because I love him. So much.
I’ve been married to this amazing man for 14 years. We made a covenant on paper and in our hearts. But, in all honesty, I have never thought “Oh, I made a covenant so I have to stay.” Never. Our covenant is powerful for sure. But… our relationship exists as it is because knowing him makes me love him, and loving him makes me intertwined with him. I have no desire to live any kind of life without him. I’m smitten.
Of course I know he is bound to fail. He already has. He has failed me. And I have failed him. I’m not unaware of our flaws and our problems. Even still, you couldn’t pay me to leave. Even writing that sentence makes me laugh. There is simply no concept of “leaving.”
There is simply no other life for me.
So, after all these years, I’m still doing the marriage thing.
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You asked. I’m answering. Yes, I’m still doing the church thing.
This is honestly, simply, beautifully how I feel: There is simply no other life for me.
Yahweh and I share life and Life. Every day. His Hands wrapped around mine. I lean into Him to dream. He is my Source. He is good. He is kind and generous. He gives and loves and invests. He gives answers when no when else knows. He fixes what no one else can. He is peace and stability and strength. He is fun and funny and majestic and fearsome. He amazes me every day.
Life with Him is glorious. Truly. Utterly. Even on my worst days. Even in my deepest disappointments and discouragements. Even when I want to change everything about my circumstances, I would not change a thing because He is there. His comfort. His hope. His life. He has never failed me.
I desire to be a better daughter to Him. To serve Him and delight Him. Not to earn anything. Just to bless Him. I want His dreams to come true. His Kingdom come, His Will be done. I’m part of His church. Because it’s His idea. For His children to be part of a Body. A community. A family. I read His Word. To learn His ways. Because He says to. And I do it. Because I love Him. So much.
Our relationship is what it is because knowing Him makes me love Him, and loving Him makes me intertwined with Him. I cannot imagine life without Yahweh. There is no concept of leaving.
That’s why I’m still doing the church thing. Even after all these years. Even amidst the pains and strains of life. Because His Love is my heartbeat. There is no other life for me.
My Beloved is mine, and I am His (Song of Solomon 2:16a ESV)