And in that moment, God spoke to me. About something He’s already spoken to me this week: having abundant expectations. About trusting God to provide for the opportunities He brings me.
The thing is: I have the blues. Our life variables have shifted. Again. And again we are both praying for God to bring us to a season and place of stability. Begging. Honestly, we are tired. It is stressful living without certainty. I want comfort. I want joy. I want peace.
For two months my incredibly gifted, highly skilled husband has been looking for solid work. Again. But, it’s just the nature of his work. That industry is project-by-project. Gig-by-gig. There is no certainty. Despite this, he LOVES the work. Loves. And he LOVES the group he works with. Loves. He is using his full range of passions, gifts and skills. He is fulfilled. And I LOVE that.
I do not, however, love not knowing if there will be work tomorrow. Because life costs money.
This uncertainty makes me feel like I’m on hold. Paused. Unable to make plans. On lock-down. Stuck at home. No dreaming allowed.
And I live like our circumstances are my king. Allowing this tyrant to inflict. To oppress. To bind me.
And I get overwhelmed. Sad.
This week, the death of my laptop sent me over the edge. My new little monitized website venture is on hold until I can have a computer again. The website is a venture to help contribute to our income. It could help us afford to get a replacement computer… once the website has actually been built. But that requires a computer. And instantly I was overwhelmed and sad.
Today I feel God asking me, yet again: Who is your Source?
I have been hoping that website would help us. And it may very well be helpful. But, only if Yahweh gives His favor. I feel like God has put me on hold this week. A time-out to remember that all my provision, regardless of its channel, comes from the One True Source.
My amazing husband is right. I have the power to choose my king. Will I bow to circumstances? Or serve and trust Yahweh?
Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again — my Savior and my God! (Psalm 43:5 NLT)