Going backwards. That had been my fear. When the pain increased and the hand tremors started again. I thought the past 10 months of treatment had been a waste of time. It wasn’t working. I was back at the beginning. And discouragement clouded over my heart.
Layer by layer! Layer by layer we are beating the Lyme bacteria and its co-infections. I wasn’t regressing! We hadn’t wasted time and money! The pain was not a repeat of the past.
This is beautiful inspiration: A layer of pain emerging is not an indicator of failure, it is a sign of progress.
_ _ _
This week an issue popped up in my heart. A long-term heart pain. I keep thinking I’ve dealt with it but it keeps popping up over and over. And here it was, consuming my heart, once again. And discouragement clouded over my heart.
It happened during our Beth Moore’s “Law of Love” Deuteronomy study this week. It’s an awesome study. I’m loving every second of it. This week she talked about liturgy and the way our most “treasured” memories – the memories we daily pour over and meditate on – determine how we live today. As she walked us through the amazing words of Deuteronomy and shared about her horrible “treasured” memory, tears ran down my face.
Long story short, the Holy Spirit showed me that I have an obsessive memory treasure of the day I left my family behind. I clutch it like a treasure. I dwell on it. I am tethered to it. I so clearly remember the awful airport moment. They stood waving in a huddled trio as I chose to walk away and leave them. As I sat there, God opened my eyes to see that it’s a terrible treasure that produces fruit of guilt, remorse, and the inability to embrace/love/enjoy my life here. I cried from the deepest places of my heart. My hands have been clutching the regret of leaving my family and I haven’t been fully embracing the joy of my life here. Half-stuck in the past.
“You didn’t leave them,” I felt the Spirit say. “I sent you here.”
And His peace tore off the layer. He spoke more to me. Vision and purpose. About my children. About His plans. About His mercy and love for me.
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Yesterday I shared my emotional journey with my doctor.
I’m amazed at how much the Holy Spirit is speaking to my heart through my medical treatment journey. It’s like my body and my spirit are being healed at the same time.
My Iranian doctor shared the pain of leaving her family and country 30 years ago. We nodded together knowingly. No words needed. It is so hard to let go of those treasured memories of our homelands and our families. She broke the sweet silence with affirmation, “This is hard work you are doing.”
This is hard work. Being transformed. Being renovated. Being healed. Yielding my heart to the Lord. Surrendering my illness and body to Him. Allowing Him to heal me. Layer by layer. Being changed into His image.
“It’s just another layer. An issue revealing itself in the right time. It’s the next layer we need to deal with.”
Thank you Holy Spirit.
Reminds me of the promise given to Jerusalem via Jeremiah:
“This is God’s Message, the God who made earth, made it livable and lasting, known everywhere as God: ‘Call to me and I will answer you. I’ll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.’ … “I’m going to give this city a thorough renovation, working a true healing inside and out. I’m going to show them life whole, life brimming with blessings. I’ll restore everything that was lost to Judah and Jerusalem. I’ll build everything back as good as new. I’ll scrub them clean from the dirt they’ve done against me. I’ll forgive everything they’ve done wrong, forgive all their rebellions. And Jerusalem will be a center of joy and praise and glory for all the countries on earth. They’ll get reports on all the good I’m doing for her. They’ll be in awe of the blessings I am pouring on her. … The time is coming when you’re going to hear laughter and celebration, marriage festivities, people exclaiming, “Thank God-of-the-Angel-Armies. He’s so good! His love never quits,” as they bring thank offerings into God’s Temple. I’ll restore everything that was lost in this land. I’ll make everything as good as new.’ I, God, say so. (Jeremiah 33:2-3, 6-9, 11 The Message)