A thyroid ultrasound is a weird experience. It’s a lot like a baby ultrasound except it’s on your neck and they’re looking for cancer instead of a baby.
Today, laying on that table, I was afraid.
I’ve had a long string of afraid-days this week. On Monday I had my 3-weekly treatment reassessment. On Tuesday my cardiology follow-up. On Wednesday my first PT and electro-stimulation appointment. Today thyroid ultrasound.
Here’s my honest problem: The reason why I am so afraid of the unknown is because I default to worst-case. Every time. I have worst-case expectations.
My rationale is that if I expect the worst I won’t be disappointed. It’s genius! Anyone with me on this?! It’s a really good plan if you never want to be disappointed. It’s a really bad plan if you ever want to have joy and peace.
I know, I know. But I cannot simply dismiss all fears and pretend everything is ok. Whether we like it or not, I am tight-rope walker learning to find balance on the high-rope of life. I cannot pretend that everything is okay because I’m mid-air, afraid, and I don’t have a safety net.
I have felt for a long time that I need to persist in seeking health answers. Some of my dear friends and mentors said I wasn’t having faith. But it was not a question of faith for me. I felt that God had given me that feeling to persist. I definitely have been praying for healing and I believe He is able to do it in an instant. But I know that He is a God of relationship in journey. He is using my life to lead me closer to Him. He is also using my life to touch people with His Love.
I do trust Him. I trust that He has a plan that is good and beautiful. I trust that I will be closer to Him each day because of this journey of life. But I don’t trust that I will like His plan. I fear that the things I want are not the things He has for me.
Ultimately I know He is trustworthy and good. It just takes a lot of energy for me to love the steps of the journey.
Afterall, His goal isn’t necessarily for me to live a long life and watch my kids grow up. And so, even though I continue to ask for healing and long-life, I know that my days on this planet are not the “be all and end all.” And trusting His unique plan for my life is my greatest struggle.
I am not ashamed of my fear. It is definitely something that could become a big sin issue but, these days, I have come to a place of honesty with God about it. Here’s the peace I have amidst my fears: My Father God is compassionate and understanding about my fear. So much so that, in His Word, He doesn’t dismiss fear or belittle it. He lovingly addresses it and gives a beautiful answer:
Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (Philippians 4:6-7)
I am not able or willing to ignore the fears that grip my heart. But each day I will not let them be my god. I will not bow to them. I pray with my Father God. I stutter and whine. I grieve and complain. I cry. I feel Him hold me. The Holy Spirit indwelling helps me to breathe and walk forward into the afraid-days.
Over time, I aspire to be transformed into the woman God describes in Proverbs 31. She is my hero.
She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. (Proverbs 31:25)
Choosing to try to clothe myself in the strength and dignity God has made for me to wear. Choosing to try to laugh with joy each day. Choosing to try to pray about my fears and not bow to the fears of the future.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. (Psalm 139:16)
How are you? What is God doing in your life these days?
Want to read through the Bible with me? Today’s readings are: Psalm 119:25-48; Acts 20:1-38
The words that stood out to me today are: “I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your instructions. (Psalm 119: 28-19) // God’s Word and Instructions are Truth and Encouragement. My perspective is flawed. My perceptions are biased an incomplete. God’s promises will lift me from the lies I could believe. Studying the Bible is my anchor and foundation. As I wrestle with fears… praying and reading His Word will bring me freedom and strength. Thank you God!